November 2nd, 2009
[409] Lightnings and thunderstorms
I wonder if anyone knows or if anyone notices, I like being here, at times. Despite the sudden waves of homesickness occasionally, this distance gives me a sense of tranquillity.
Here, I am left to defend for myself. So I feel in control of everything, from those little things like managing the house chores, and managing people in any tasks, to big things like making sure I am on the right track to my bright future. I feel grown up and nothing else can stand in my way - even if there is, I can easily sweep them off with a trusty ol' broom.
I never liked having people telling me I am wrong, because I don't like to lose (including losing face). Instead, I would prefer if I were to discover my mistakes on my own because I like solitary learning. And one more thing, I don't like people telling me what to do, neither do I like telling others what to do. I can only have the elders whom I respect to give me orders.
Subconsciously, I have built my own comfort zone and shut myself in there, not wanting to change anything or even to budge. Getting out makes me feel threatened, and I might just lose the sense of security that I perpetually give myself.
I admit - I am a control freak. I like being in an arm's length to everything. To control is my nature, and letting myself to be controlled is a form of submission which not many could recognise. This is the way I have been for a long time, and it took me too much time to realise this.
When I sense that I am losing control, I will lose my composure and I cannot gather my thoughts. I feel helpless, and would just eventually end up quiet, just too quiet.
And that is when you see a hiatus here.
Life paced too quickly of late, and it is only these few days, everything has taken a breather and slowed down, giving me much room to pick up the pieces. Everything in my head is a huge mess and I no longer know how to sort it out.
And oh, this semester, I shut myself out of all the matters regarding the heart. I took everything lightly, not wanting to think so much. I don't want to build anything today when I know it will not sustain tomorrow.
If you think this update is not juicy enough, it's time for you to keep a lookout for me at Facebook - I frequently update there, through wall posts.
